Creature

Twisted and lifeless

they tore into me

I am the distressed

weeping willow tree.

Naked and barren,

tattered and torn,

I am the black rose

with the wilted thorns.

Waiting in the dark

anguished beauty

I am the butterfly

who will never be free.

Caught in the webs

no way to escape

I am the fly who is

trapped in your hate.

Tainted and vexed

yet pure and naive

I am the wounded deer

on a winter’s eve.

Hidden from light

kept from your view

I am the lover you

never knew.

Jaded and used

faded and dry

I am the creature

that never asked “why?”.

Forever silent

forever confined

I am the creature

that haunts your mind.

The Hostess 6/11/04

That pretty girl
such a beautiful girl
singing softly to herself
in the corner of state street
carrying the groceries:
Milk
Eggs
and
Razor Blades

She's reciting the good book
and it doesn't sound the same
coming from a girl so lovely
that you find it hard to believe
she did it
she's going to do it
slowly
softly
BANG!
Now who's going to serve the punch?

The Famous Death Scene

If a watched pot never boils

then I’m fucked like a duck

that's flying farther north for the

winter (of my discontent)

See me standing near the

hot

stove?

I like that hot/cold sensation

you get when you've just set

your hand down on the smooth

round surface of

the electric burner

At least it tells the truth

cause in reality

the real truth burns

...BUT a lie is so much hotter

hellish pain

so hot

that I can't lift my hand up

to stroke your neck one last time

to tell you how much you meant

and that is when I finally get that

dramatic death scene

I always wished for

spent so many years practicing

preparing

in front of the mirror

and now its here

and that's when the

stage fright kicks in

and I can't remember my lines

I wanted to tell you

I wrote it down

I said it over and over

...i could hear it in my sleep

and now you won't let me go

and that's my cue to say

"I've loved you since you

found me sitting there in the

corner

reading

about death

and resurrection

and I knew I would have you

and now here your are

and I’ve had you

and I have you here

in front of me

and I see nothing"

and then I die

a graceful fall on to

chipped tile

but I missed my cue

and the curtains were drawn

and they all went home

I was wonderful....

Departure

I don't know why the sun rises over dead ground

cause she already left hours ago

to listen to the sounds that the

poison lake makes

sounds like

illusion

sounds

underwater deception

stop the music!

god is missing!

and that girl (who lives by the rocky shore)

is too busy in the parlor

cleaning destiny's ashes

poor girl

couldn't finish the puzzle

before death sat

down to a cup of tea

to discuss business

in the afterlife

3/17/04

I can't hear myself think
while your silent
in the dark
I cant see you
but I know
you are still there
looking at the glow
that comes off
of my body
from the streetlights
that are peeking
through the shades
into your room.
You are observing
the glow coming
from me
after you come
after you came
back

This itch must be scratched 3/15/04

I want to tell you
how I feel
I want to force feed it
down your throat
untill you see
see me
see what we
need
we need each other
you don't know this
but silly rabbit
tricks are for kids
It's a silly habit
I have
running around
hoping that
people like you
will see what I have
YOU can't show
the blind
cause the ones that know
are the ones that can really see
well......
CAN YOU??
can you see?
see me?
I'm laying it out for
everyone to observe
but I see you way back there
in the crowd
turning away
HAVE YOU NOTHING TO SAY?
about us?
about this?
about your hands
on my kiss?
about you coming
into my life just to
fuck up my bliss??
You've made my bed
now your going to
lye in it
not lie in it
like you do
just by delivering
awkward silence.
I told you a thousand times
that was my
biggest pet peeve
and some how your faults
always get pointed
back to me
I've done all I can
so just be a man
for once
and say what
needs to be said
before I feel the need
to go ahead

Your Scent 3/12/04

Sickening sweet
cigarette scent
dancing inside
of your breath
onto my lips of
fresh wintergreen
and the smell of hair
not washed for
many days
with a faint mixture
of lilac potpourri
rubbing off onto
my favorite pillow
(the one thats
fluffed just right)
and the blanket
Ive had since
I was two
Now everything
I sleep on
smells like you
Its nauseating
bitter
and yet
no scent has ever been
more comforting
and after the few days
since your last presence
I strive to breath in
every last trace
of your existence
in this room
And I start to feel
the gag reflex
that causes me
to choke
choke back
the tears
choke back
the fear
that these scents
will drift away
along with you
and I will never again
be able to fall asleep
peacefully
to your scent..

"That expression"

That expression
Its the one I see on
your face just at
that specific moment
Lasting as long
as a shooting star
And just as valuable
so
if I never caught it
I wouldnt be thinking
that there was still hope
between us
That expression
is not the face of lust
Its not the face of disgust
there is something
deep inside of you
that desires to be held, too
desires attention just like I do
but is afraid
let it go
please
let it go
let your feelings flow
lets stay like this forever
and enjoy our sensual silence

"Shape Shifter"

Sometimes......
well, alright
it's more like
all the time.
I invite pain
with open arms
embrace it as much as
I despise
the wretched creature
a shape shifter
in your image.
How was I
supposed to know?
Is there a masochistic
side of me in my
sub-conscious mind?
Cause I let you
slide your blade
cleanly across my
exposed ribcage
while your hands
slowly become
my own
and I can catch
a quick glimpse
of glazed pupils
and hazed expression in
black light shadow
reflecting off a
second-hand mirror
once owned by a woman
Ive never known
yet
I find that we have
much in common
in the sense that
we both saw it coming..

Snow Angels in February 2-17-04

Fly on the wall
watching her own mistakes
take into place
She's the girl
not in her right mind
all the time
standing in a whirlwind
down the street
from where she lives
looking into trouble
right in the eyes
and shaking his hand
taking candy from the stranger
she's known for years
and falling right into
his death trap
that is her sanity...
He's taking her vanity
for hostage
under the street light
where the shadow hits
her face just right
light blue eyes stare
at brown eyed glare
while rough hands touch
faded auburn hair
that gets in the way
every time she finds
something to say
but deep down inside
she likes it that way
yet he tries to shake
the sound out of her
like apples out of the tree
before its time
and they just dont
taste the same
and neither do the words
he gets her to spill
So he leaves her under
the dying porch light
and drives away
while she makes snow angels
in February....

2-13-04

A piece of paper,
that tells me Im an adult now
and I am on my way
to failure and destruction
in the ally way
behind your favorite restaurant
I sing to myself
and wait for you
and wait for an opportunity
to pursue
every fantasy that you laughed at
over coffee thats been sitting on the table
for days
not touched since you fell down and
slipped on the tears of painful realization
that youre not who you though you were
Thats also the time you knew
this wasnt for you
so why are we kidding ourselves
when we both know that
we never wanted to be here in the first place?
I suppose it just made sense at the time.

"The Morning after"

Stand in line
waste of time
drowning in a pool
of wine
made from the blood
I loose from 3-month old cuts
un-healed...
Its time to yield
the secrets revealed
and go back to the way things were
or at least the way they should
have been
before the damage was seen
a mistake unclean
opened thighs for the closed mind
valuables taken once the guard's asleep
and no longer good to you if returned
So "what does it matter?"
you say to your self
as you pound your head
against the glass
the morning after........

Spiral

down faster

then I can breath

I grab my chest

cause I cant

...breath.....

as I see the knife

in the reflection

you are there

next to me

and I fall down

spiral

down

and I catch a glimpse

of who you are

and can only

see

myself.............

12-4-03

Battle Scars by: Megan S.

Leave me out to dry under the hot sun

as the tall weeds sway like sullen children

and see if I bleed from the inside out

pouring on the freshly bleached whites

trickling on the newly cut grass

while you watch from your plantation-style porch

and sip on Camille tea

tip the cup up till it presses gently

against your greedily satisfied lips

knowing they will never be mine again

I can feel the blood flow through my fingertips

making it possible to crawl through the meadow

leaving a trail behind me to remind you of my masochistic struggle

to come back

to be abused again

so I can lay happily next to you every morning, like old times

even though I know you arent thinking about me

its like causing a wound to scar on purpose

painful yet relieving at the same time

but its one I bear with pride

cause I did it for you

maybe one day you will appreciate this

but I wouldnt care either way

cause it was worth it

10-23-03
I wrote this poems at emma joe's coffee house last night in 5 minutes on a envelope, and then read it to everybody, cause they were having open mic......turned out pretty well for a poem I only wrote in 5 minutes......

I saw you leave
as quick as you came..

Autumn Leaves
were never the same,
cause
I used to lye
in a mass of
orange and red
with
you

I would trace your shape
with my index finger
which reminded me of why I was ashamed
of my rounded frame
and we would lay there
with nature
our only witness
to this moment
thissilentmoment.

We communicate through locked stares
through show.but we dont tell
touching
hidden truth
I look at your face in the afternoon shadows
You blend with the scenery
so beautiful

I ate breakfast this morning
the first time I had eaten breakfast in a month.
That last time..was with you,
and that last time was with you
and it was the same day

you had left as quick
as you came..

Loud Silence 10-14-03
I wrote this for a assignment for English class. We were supossed to write a poem that inspired us from our favorite song. I chose "Silent all these years" by Tori Amos. So this is my interpretation of it....

You stared into my eyes
and it was so easy for you
to see the truth.
But both of my eyes are made of glass
and I havent known my own
since before we met.
And today, for the first time,
I cried real tears.
They slid down my
crimson
hand-print stained
cheeks.
My body never felt like it truly belonged to me
it is there for everyone else
it feels no pain
yet it keeps in so much.
Nobody sees this
I hide it so well, dont I?
I have told you everything except for the things
that truly matter,
Told you so much,
and yet, I havent really said a thing.

Awareness by: Megan Stickel

(written on 7/23/03 and added on 8/10/03)

I dont need to question us

to hear the words drop from your lips

uneasily like nuclear warfare over a peaceful city

Your eyes say it all.

They tell of a broken legend

something that should of, could of

but never occurred.

I dreamt last night,

that I fell out of your arms into infinite space

and when I awoke

I couldnt find your face

and I thought

maybe I was just delusional

Isnt it funny that

I cant even tell whats real anymore?

If all of this is really going on.

Or if it ever really happened at all?

You once told me

on a day such as this,

that the truth can sometimes lie

.and before you could finish the next sentence

I distracted you with my innocence

and now I am faced with the realization

without you around..

that I may never get out of this alive.

Competition 5/16/03

(a peice of shit song about a peice of shit guy who remains name-less)

We sat beneath the pale light,

when the girl who I despise,

danced her way into the night,

and I saw the lust inside your eyes.

When you were ever feeling down and out,

I never left your side,

though she WAS supposed to be the one

but never could abide.

And after all these arduous years,

the secrets finally revealed,

about the day, 4 years ago,

my feelings for you were concealed.

Many girls have come and gone,

but Ive been loyal to the end,

yet Im just a casual lay to you,

when I should be your girlfriend!

I wish that I had told you

how I felt in advance,

and then.. perhaps just maybe

you mightve given me a chance

When you told me to be more than friends,

without commitment and affection,

I agreed, but deep down inside, I cant pretend,

I long for your warmth and protection.

That childish side of me really thinks

that if we slept together

I could expect some miracle

that you might love me better.

Although its true I am naive,

I sure the hell am not ignorant

and I ask myself everyday,

how I got into this predicament.

Untitled 5/12/03

A moment of infatuation

as I look into your eyes,

A wave of frustration

as I listen to your lies,

A bead of perspiration

as you touch my tired thighs,

I shudder in hopeless desperation

as you utter the name of Christ.

Happiness (I wrote this in 9th grade)

Happiness is in the eye of the beholder
I am crushed by all of my dreams
In the end, we are all the fools
Only think of your desires
and put the necessities on hold
We are given many chances
and screw all of them up
I'm sick and tired of your ways
and stay away from mine!!
Run away before I do somthing new
Close your eyes, I'm as bright as the sun
Close my mouth, so you can be silent
I am the master of all that exists in my head
You are in both worlds
so there for......
you belong to me

Visions of regret 5/6/03

Signifigant other,
blind silent lover,
my favorite rival,
my reason for survival,
a drop of sweat,
my last regret,
regret the same mistakes,
I make again and again,
like a track with no train,
a queen with no reign,
I look at your eyes,
cold as my hands as they touch your faded jacket,
I know it so well...
too well...
It is my hell..
the hell I live with every day I see your face.
You look at me with that jaded smile,
the one you gave me when you told me it was ok...


				*A girl called Wanda* *My poems*



	Home \| Who is Wanda? \| My poems \| Patrick Stickel Memorial Page \| Contact Me \| Photo Album


		This is the page where I spill my heart out...I suppose.....



		*Creature* Twisted and lifeless they tore into me I am the distressed weeping willow tree. Naked and barren, tattered and torn, I am the black rose with the wilted thorns. Waiting in the dark anguished beauty I am the butterfly who will never be free. Caught in the webs no way to escape I am the fly who is trapped in your hate. Tainted and vexed yet pure and naive I am the wounded deer on a winter’s eve. Hidden from light kept from your view I am the lover you never knew. Jaded and used faded and dry I am the creature that never asked “why?”. Forever silent forever confined I am the creature that haunts your mind. The Hostess 6/11/04 That pretty girl such a beautiful girl singing softly to herself in the corner of state street carrying the groceries: Milk Eggs and Razor Blades She's reciting the good book and it doesn't sound the same coming from a girl so lovely that you find it hard to believe she did it she's going to do it slowly softly BANG! Now who's going to serve the punch? The Famous Death Scene If a watched pot never boils then I’m fucked like a duck that's flying farther north for the winter (of my discontent) See me standing near the hot stove? I like that hot/cold sensation you get when you've just set your hand down on the smooth round surface of the electric burner At least it tells the truth cause in reality the real truth burns ...BUT a lie is so much hotter hellish pain so hot that I can't lift my hand up to stroke your neck one last time to tell you how much you meant and that is when I finally get that dramatic death scene I always wished for spent so many years practicing preparing in front of the mirror and now its here and that's when the stage fright kicks in and I can't remember my lines I wanted to tell you I wrote it down I said it over and over ...i could hear it in my sleep and now you won't let me go and that's my cue to say "I've loved you since you found me sitting there in the corner reading about death and resurrection and I knew I would have you and now here your are and I’ve had you and I have you here in front of me and I see nothing" and then I die a graceful fall on to chipped tile but I missed my cue and the curtains were drawn and they all went home I was wonderful.... Departure I don't know why the sun rises over dead ground cause she already left hours ago to listen to the sounds that the poison lake makes sounds like illusion sounds like underwater deception stop the music! god is missing! and that girl (who lives by the rocky shore) is too busy in the parlor cleaning destiny's ashes poor girl couldn't finish the puzzle before death sat down to a cup of tea to discuss business in the afterlife 3/17/04 I can't hear myself think while your silent in the dark I cant see you but I know you are still there looking at the glow that comes off of my body from the streetlights that are peeking through the shades into your room. You are observing the glow coming from me after you come after you came back This itch must be scratched 3/15/04 I want to tell you how I feel I want to force feed it down your throat untill you see see me see what we need we need each other you don't know this but silly rabbit tricks are for kids It's a silly habit I have running around hoping that people like you will see what I have YOU can't show the blind cause the ones that know are the ones that can really see well...... CAN YOU?? can you see? see me? I'm laying it out for everyone to observe but I see you way back there in the crowd turning away HAVE YOU NOTHING TO SAY? about us? about this? about your hands on my kiss? about you coming into my life just to fuck up my bliss?? You've made my bed now your going to lye in it not lie in it like you do just by delivering awkward silence. I told you a thousand times that was my biggest pet peeve and some how your faults always get pointed back to me I've done all I can so just be a man for once and say what needs to be said before I feel the need to go ahead Your Scent 3/12/04 Sickening sweet cigarette scent dancing inside of your breath onto my lips of fresh wintergreen and the smell of hair not washed for many days with a faint mixture of lilac potpourri rubbing off onto my favorite pillow (the one thats fluffed just right) and the blanket Ive had since I was two Now everything I sleep on smells like you Its nauseating bitter and yet no scent has ever been more comforting and after the few days since your last presence I strive to breath in every last trace of your existence in this room And I start to feel the gag reflex that causes me to choke choke back the tears choke back the fear that these scents will drift away along with you and I will never again be able to fall asleep peacefully to your scent.. "That expression" That expression Its the one I see on your face just at that specific moment Lasting as long as a shooting star And just as valuable so if I never caught it I wouldnt be thinking that there was still hope between us That expression is not the face of lust Its not the face of disgust there is something deep inside of you that desires to be held, too desires attention just like I do but is afraid let it go please let it go let your feelings flow lets stay like this forever and enjoy our sensual silence "Shape Shifter" Sometimes...... well, alright it's more like all the time. I invite pain with open arms embrace it as much as I despise the wretched creature a shape shifter in your image. How was I supposed to know? Is there a masochistic side of me in my sub-conscious mind? Cause I let you slide your blade cleanly across my exposed ribcage while your hands slowly become my own and I can catch a quick glimpse of glazed pupils and hazed expression in black light shadow reflecting off a second-hand mirror once owned by a woman Ive never known yet I find that we have much in common in the sense that we both saw it coming.. Snow Angels in February 2-17-04 Fly on the wall watching her own mistakes take into place She's the girl not in her right mind all the time standing in a whirlwind down the street from where she lives looking into trouble right in the eyes and shaking his hand taking candy from the stranger she's known for years and falling right into his death trap that is her sanity... He's taking her vanity for hostage under the street light where the shadow hits her face just right light blue eyes stare at brown eyed glare while rough hands touch faded auburn hair that gets in the way every time she finds something to say but deep down inside she likes it that way yet he tries to shake the sound out of her like apples out of the tree before its time and they just dont taste the same and neither do the words he gets her to spill So he leaves her under the dying porch light and drives away while she makes snow angels in February.... 2-13-04 A piece of paper, that tells me Im an adult now and I am on my way to failure and destruction in the ally way behind your favorite restaurant I sing to myself and wait for you and wait for an opportunity to pursue every fantasy that you laughed at over coffee thats been sitting on the table for days not touched since you fell down and slipped on the tears of painful realization that youre not who you though you were Thats also the time you knew this wasnt for you so why are we kidding ourselves when we both know that we never wanted to be here in the first place? I suppose it just made sense at the time. "The Morning after" Stand in line waste of time drowning in a pool of wine made from the blood I loose from 3-month old cuts un-healed... Its time to yield the secrets revealed and go back to the way things were or at least the way they should have been before the damage was seen a mistake unclean opened thighs for the closed mind valuables taken once the guard's asleep and no longer good to you if returned So "what does it matter?" you say to your self as you pound your head against the glass the morning after........ Spiral down faster then I can breath I grab my chest cause I cant ...breath..... as I see the knife in the reflection you are there next to me and I fall down spiral down and I catch a glimpse of who you are and can only see myself............. 12-4-03 Battle Scars by: Megan S. Leave me out to dry under the hot sun as the tall weeds sway like sullen children and see if I bleed from the inside out pouring on the freshly bleached whites trickling on the newly cut grass while you watch from your plantation-style porch and sip on Camille tea tip the cup up till it presses gently against your greedily satisfied lips knowing they will never be mine again I can feel the blood flow through my fingertips making it possible to crawl through the meadow leaving a trail behind me to remind you of my masochistic struggle to come back to be abused again so I can lay happily next to you every morning, like old times even though I know you arent thinking about me its like causing a wound to scar on purpose painful yet relieving at the same time but its one I bear with pride cause I did it for you maybe one day you will appreciate this but I wouldnt care either way cause it was worth it 10-23-03 I wrote this poems at emma joe's coffee house last night in 5 minutes on a envelope, and then read it to everybody, cause they were having open mic......turned out pretty well for a poem I only wrote in 5 minutes...... I saw you leave as quick as you came.. Autumn Leaves were never the same, cause I used to lye in a mass of orange and red with you I would trace your shape with my index finger which reminded me of why I was ashamed of my rounded frame and we would lay there with nature our only witness to this moment thissilentmoment. We communicate through locked stares through show.but we dont tell touching hidden truth I look at your face in the afternoon shadows You blend with the scenery so beautiful I ate breakfast this morning the first time I had eaten breakfast in a month. That last time..was with you, and that last time was with you and it was the same day you had left as quick as you came.. Loud Silence 10-14-03 I wrote this for a assignment for English class. We were supossed to write a poem that inspired us from our favorite song. I chose "Silent all these years" by Tori Amos. So this is my interpretation of it.... You stared into my eyes and it was so easy for you to see the truth. But both of my eyes are made of glass and I havent known my own since before we met. And today, for the first time, I cried real tears. They slid down my crimson hand-print stained cheeks. My body never felt like it truly belonged to me it is there for everyone else it feels no pain yet it keeps in so much. Nobody sees this I hide it so well, dont I? I have told you everything except for the things that truly matter, Told you so much, and yet, I havent really said a thing. Awareness by: Megan Stickel **(written on 7/23/03 and added on 8/10/03)** I dont need to question us to hear the words drop from your lips uneasily like nuclear warfare over a peaceful city Your eyes say it all. They tell of a broken legend something that should of, could of but never occurred. I dreamt last night, that I fell out of your arms into infinite space and when I awoke I couldnt find your face and I thought maybe I was just delusional Isnt it funny that I cant even tell whats real anymore? If all of this is really going on. Or if it ever really happened at all? You once told me on a day such as this, that the truth can sometimes lie .and before you could finish the next sentence I distracted you with my innocence and now I am faced with the realization without you around.. that I may never get out of this alive. Competition 5/16/03 (a peice of shit song about a peice of shit guy who remains name-less) We sat beneath the pale light, when the girl who I despise, danced her way into the night, and I saw the lust inside your eyes. When you were ever feeling down and out, I never left your side, though she WAS supposed to be the one but never could abide. And after all these arduous years, the secrets finally revealed, about the day, 4 years ago, my feelings for you were concealed. Many girls have come and gone, but Ive been loyal to the end, yet Im just a casual lay to you, when I should be your girlfriend! I wish that I had told you how I felt in advance, and then.. perhaps just maybe you mightve given me a chance When you told me to be more than friends, without commitment and affection, I agreed, but deep down inside, I cant pretend, I long for your warmth and protection. That childish side of me really thinks that if we slept together I could expect some miracle that you might love me better. Although its true I am naive, I sure the hell am not ignorant and I ask myself everyday, how I got into this predicament. Untitled 5/12/03 A moment of infatuation as I look into your eyes, A wave of frustration as I listen to your lies, A bead of perspiration as you touch my tired thighs, I shudder in hopeless desperation as you utter the name of Christ. Happiness (I wrote this in 9th grade) Happiness is in the eye of the beholder I am crushed by all of my dreams In the end, we are all the fools Only think of your desires and put the necessities on hold We are given many chances and screw all of them up I'm sick and tired of your ways and stay away from mine!! Run away before I do somthing new Close your eyes, I'm as bright as the sun Close my mouth, so you can be silent I am the master of all that exists in my head You are in both worlds so there for...... you belong to me Visions of regret 5/6/03 Signifigant other, blind silent lover, my favorite rival, my reason for survival, a drop of sweat, my last regret, regret the same mistakes, I make again and again, like a track with no train, a queen with no reign, I look at your eyes, cold as my hands as they touch your faded jacket, I know it so well... too well... It is my hell.. the hell I live with every day I see your face. You look at me with that jaded smile, the one you gave me when you told me it was ok...